Where to begin when someone close enters the last stage of their life
Becoming a caregiver or stepping up to support a loved one is not something we usually plan for. Most often, it happens out of the blue. Being thrust into the role of caregiver can feel overwhelming, surreal, and isolating. Here, we tap into the wisdom of those who've been there to help you take the most helpful first steps.
Coming to terms
Your initial days supporting your friend or family member will undoubtedly be emotional.
Violet Guide Practice Manager Wendy Stocks says it's normal for this time to feel be overwhelming.
“Before you can focus on anything else, it’s important to give yourself time and space to adjust.
Geting practical
Whatever your support role may look like, sorting out the practical side of things can soften the impact of the days ahead and help you focus on your own wellbeing too.
It helps to have a ‘to-do list.’ So, get a diary or a binder and map out the essential things like:
- Medical appointments
Medication
Care needs
Household maintenance
Care of minors (if applicable)
Finances
Legal matters
Important contacts
Having all the things you need to know in one place makes it easy for you and other people supporting your loved one to find the information they need.
Asking for help
While you may be the primary caregiver for your loved one, you don’t need to do this alone.
Terri Soller, Managing Director of leadership capacity-building organisation Conversus Leaders, says caregivers can find resilience in their new role by “tapping into resources at our disposal and,” she says. “This includes being able to ask for help when needed.”
Establishing your own support network will help you get through the tough days and find peace and joy in the days between.
Create your own care team. Call on your friends, family, and community to help. You’re not imposing. They’re probably waiting to help out. Asking for help might feel uncomfortable at first, but letting them know what you need can ease the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual load of constantly caring for someone in the last stage of life. And it will save them from saying “if you need anything, just ask”.
Consider the other types of practical help you will need as your loved ones health declines. Help looks different for everyone at different times. You might need support from your GP, social workers, therapists, Violet Guides, private caregivers, allied health professionals, hospices, and palliative care throughout your caring journey. Choose the additional support that feels right for you and your situation.
Take care of yourself
“You need to take care of yourself. Even ringing a friend every day, a cup of tea, or taking your dog for a walk.” - Beate cared for her mother who died from pancreatic cancer aged 74.
Looking after yourself might be the last thing on your mind, but being mindful of your own needs will benefit you and the person you’re caring for, now and in the long run.
As a caregiver, setting aside time for yourself can protect you from compound stress and carer burnout. You can build resilience by ‘living’ in the moments between intense caring and normality.